Peri-menopause: A raw, soulful, transformational journey

In our lives, we are often aware that something is ending, dying or falling away and yet we have not arrived at the new destination. It could be after the end of a relationship has ended and we enter into a period of grieving. We don’t know when we’re going to feel ok again. This is the same for the death of someone we love, an illness, changing careers or jobs, moving house or country. Life is a constant flow of death and rebirth, but it’s the bit in the middle, the unknown, that often is the most uncomfortable to bear.

The soulful journey

In midlife, women go through this death and rebirth over a long period of time in the process of peri-menopause. We can start to notice physical, emotional and mental symptoms as early as our late 30s, or more common in early 40s. Whilst a lot of the focus understandably is on the symptoms – hot flashes, insomnia, headaches, joint pain and mood changes like rage, depression, anxiety – there is a parallel soulful journey, one of meaning and depth and one which is often overlooked.  

Ultimately, we are saying goodbye to our younger, fertile selves. That youthful version of us, with all the dreams and desires, plans and goals, some of which were fulfilled and some not. That version is linked to the currency of youth. Through the eyes of western culture, we are important, useful, relevant and desirable because we are young and the moment we start to see that change, it can shake the very identity that we have built our lives on to date.

Meaning in Midlife

Carl Jung talked about this stage of midlife in more positive terms. He said that our early years were for building an Ego – our sense of who we are. We go through a process of establishing who we are in the external world, and developing our social mask, often referred to as our persona. We might strive for successful careers, start a family, build a life that aims to give us external validation. This is what he referred to as “doing research.”

Then, in the second half of life Jung says it's the time to journey towards more meaning. The journey towards what he called individuation. The focus here is to unite the different parts of the Psyche – the Psyche being the body, mind (consciousness), soul and the unconscious – to become a wholly integrated individual. It is in the second half of life, then, where peri-menopause invites us on a journey into our unconscious. This exploration reveals the parts of our Shadow that have been exiled, suppressed, or hidden. To feel and integrate our emotions, is to become a woman that is true and whole to herself, rather than one who society tells her to be.

The Liminal Space

This quest that as women we embark on, plunges us into the liminal space. Neither young woman, nor old wise woman. We are in the messy, raw, uncomfortable and often painful bit in between. Nobody enjoys uncertainty, or feeling like the ground beneath them is shaky. We don’t like waking up each morning and lacking consistency. The journey through peri-menopause brings constant change, uncertainty and a crumbling of our foundations that can feel as though we are losing our grip on everything we were certain about.

We thought we knew who we were, what we wanted to do and who we loved. We were able to rely on our bodies, which for most of us remained silent, resilient and unbothered by daily life. We might have everything we ever wanted, yet there is a nagging from deep within that something is shifting.

The body as a messenger

As our hormones begin to fluctuate during peri-menopause and we notice subtle changes in our moods, energy levels, sense of wellbeing and sleep. As time progresses these changing states intensify. Temperature fluctuations can feel like a fire burning within us. Irritation turns to full blown rage. Weepiness turns to non-stop tears, like we are grieving something beyond words.

All of these elements are not just the ‘symptoms’ of our hormones diving and cresting, they are signs from our body, trying to gently nudge us at first and then shake us into listening. What is your anger and rage telling you? What have you not grieved for that needs to be released? What has been exiled and suppressed for decades that is being uncovered more profoundly from the absence of our buffeting hormones? If your body could talk to you with words, what would it be saying?

This liminal stage is not to be rushed; it has its own course and time. It will be different for each of us, as unique as a fingerprint. As women we often have incredibly busy and demanding lives and that busyness doesn’t lend itself to finding the time and the space to feel some of these feelings. But we must. If we are to feel, release, alchemise and transform all the elements that we have been carrying, holding and hiding our entire lives, we must start to feel and listen to what our bodies and inner voice are telling us.

Candace Pert PhD, who discovered the molecules of emotion – Neuropeptides that cause a shift in our cells, creating the physical expression of emotion – said that ‘Your subconscious mind is really your body.’ It stands to reason then that our body is expressing our Shadow, that which is beyond our conscious awareness. It’s the messenger that we listen to, when the Ego is too busy thinking it knows what’s best for us.

I am going through this journey too. It’s not easy, but there are more and more moments where I feel happier and more content with who I am, than at any other time in my life. I wouldn’t trade this state of being for a younger body, for anything.  

The invitation

My invitation to those who are ready, is to find five minutes. Lock yourself in the bathroom, go out for a walk or sit in your car, wherever you can find five mins for yourself, sit quietly and just let your awareness scan your body. You may already have aches and pains and tension that you are living with. You may notice tightness, stiffness, physical blocks, or discomfort where you hadn’t noticed it before. You may find your head feeling foggy, or unclear, you may notice tears bubbling easily behind your eyelids. There may be a sense of holding and tightness in your jaw, an unsettled stomach maybe.

Then gently without judgement or criticism, ask ‘what are you trying to tell me?’  An answer may or may not come immediately, but just keep offering that question to yourself. Check in regularly. Our souls intuitively know the answer, but we are so conditioned to ignoring the messages from within.

Often people say ‘I’m scared that if I start crying, or feeling angry I’ll never stop.’ and I would say, trust your body, because it contains within it an intelligence and it knows what it’s doing. Emotions like all things in life, come and they go and sometimes they need a bit more time to come.

Wherever you are in your journey, hold on, you are in very good company and we will eventually cross that river and reach the other side. A whole new phase of life waits for us, to be lived in our truest, most authentic and whole selves.

There is nothing more exciting and hopeful in life than that.